for consideration

I just learned that an acquaintance got married on Christmas, and the bell that went off in my head was “WHAAAAAAAAT???” Of course, I’m not in her inner circle, but whoever Mr. Right is, she never mentioned him, even in casual conversation. So then my cerebral wheels really began to spin and I said,  “Okay, so you’re pregnant and the church has made it clear–no more children out of wedlock, right?” 

I mean, I totally get that because that was the crossroads I stood at when I got pregnant 30 years ago.  I had been raised in the church, knew right from wrong, and I knew that my being pregnant was a deal breaker amongst my then friends and acquaintances in my community. But i was also hardheaded and i thought i knew everything and i figured i could handle this like i handled every thing else in life. But eventually my machismo attitude caught up with me, because there i stood with my round belly and swollen feet at the crossroads not knowing what to do. and I don’t think the church and my mother really knew what they were asking of me: stay in your community and receive conditional love, or get rid of the baby.  I left the church, had the baby and suffered the isolation and alienation from my friends, family and village for the remainder of my life. I’m still healing from all that; I will probably always be healing from that.

So I privately feel evil for having these thoughts, and my married friends would say “oh, you’re just jealous because it didn’t happen to you,” at which time, I sit down quietly somewhere and think about this. Is it true? My confusion is hotwired to a button that gets pressed whenever one of my single friends ties the knot…and I don’t?

Somehow, that doesn’t feel like me. Although it is true: next year marks the 51st year that I have not been married (I’m going for the record of 102 years so I pace myself), i just don’t feel jealous. Not with a divorce rate of more than 52% in the United States and every talk show and reality show gobbling up our free time with exploits of the “happily” married. Just ask Tiger Woods, if you can find him.  Or just ask Jon or Kate; what a train wreck that marriage was. So, when I think about it, I know it’s not jealousy.

But what if i didn’t think about it? what if i met a man, fell in love, felt he loved me back, decided to get married, accepted his offer and set a date? How would I feel about it then? I’m sorry, but I think I’m just too  logical to get married. Because woven unto this tight little fabric is all the stuff  (wisdom, knowledge, experience) that you use to make a decision that will change your life.

(Thank God for blogs–now, I get their true value. I can rant and rave and, until the world catches on that I’m ranting and raving, I’m cool. It’s just me and my keyboard; i spill my guts onto the keyboard, and keyboard sucks it all up like a Bounty papertowel.)

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