cave canem

I can not believe the amazing surge of emotions that overwhelmed me today. it brought me to tears. the 2010 cave canem retreat directly conflicts with my work  and occurs during the last week of June. I’m as torn as a hymen after sex for the first time.

cave canem is the consumate space for african american poets. this is my year to explore my writing in all its forms and i think cave canem  is one of the essential experiences as an emerging artist that i would benefit from. I stared at the on-line registration form for 10 minutes and read and re-read the frequently asked questions regarding the retreat, and looked at the line up of esteemed african american poets who have graced through cave canem and managed to make myself crazy.

i saw my heroines Rita Dove, Sonia Sanchez, Nikki Finney, Elizabeth Alexander, Lucille Clifton and many others who have left big footprints for me to follow and i so desire to do so.

how do i explain to those around me who do not understand the burning that ignites in me every time the subject of writing comes up?

The ignition switch is tripped for writing like it is for spoken word artists. I have much respect for my mic’d sisters and brothers; people like Rachel McKibbens who, as far as I’m concern, is the best spoken word artist–ever.  Check her out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-k-d-dbWHI

But i’m a writer, and a performer, and i dream of being the best i can be.

i’m torn by my loyalty to ACT and my deep-seated desire to develop as a writer–a poet specifically. this conflict makes me resent ACT and everything it represents. the insults, the accusations, the humiliations, all of it. i quietly bear with so much from my superior yet i know that when i bring the subject of being absent from a production, it will cause the s*#t to hit the fan.

too bad. it is the source of my internal struggle. Over and over I summon the courage “to toil in a field that is  not my own…to hold another’s passion sacred while unearthing my own hope chest.”

Crying myself to sleep tonight.  Tomorrow i should blog about perserverance and going after your dreams no matter what. And I should continue to explore the “why” of writing. After all, I have no accolades and even a week at cave canem will not make the literary world sit up and take notice, will it?

time alone will tell. i’m rambling so i’ll just go to bed and try this again in the morning. good night.

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