i am numb

for many days now i have been unable to journal or blog. i seem unable to think clearly and thus my thoughts are a jumbled mess. i am consumed by problems and trouble right now. i exhaust myself every day trying to tread water and keep my head above my finances and bills and debt. I’m tired.

Right now is the time when i should be putting current events on paper, but i cannot. I am frozen.  i cannot write at a time when i need to desparately. the people of haiti need their story told around the world and i can barely absorb the energy from the tragedy to write my own reaction.

i am numb, I am frozen–i cannot feel…yet.

i need a fresh perspective. i need to stop worrying about what i can’t do and focus on what i can do. i need to give myself a pep talk. i need to give myself a break.

here’s what i wrote about the earthquake in Haiti on January 12, 2010 while i was hanging out with the young spoken word artists at Urban Element last Thursday (with a little embellishment today). This poem is meant to subtly remind the reader about hurricane Katrina and draw parallels between what the media picked up then and now, not to mention the fact that people are being very critical and judgmental about the Haitian people at a time when they only need compassion.:

it’s happened again
the earth cracked open
catching the world off guard
catching the world by surprise
swallowing people whole
last time water
this time earth

so many dead bodies
lying at the broken curbs
that surround the broken buildings
so many children
with busted lips, teeth, eyelids
dreams and families
homeless children line the streets
orphaned children pave the alleyways

many women
with hollowed-out eyes
giving blank stares
to news reporters and cameramen
twittering and blackberrying
eyes that must wait
to bury their children
in shallow graves

watching the media celebrate the return
of white missionaries from their harrowing journeys
to their comfortable homes with three-car garages
and maid service and breakfast served at 9
by Haitian slaves
makes my stomach turn and flip
and i loose my breakfast
and i grab my pen
and i begin to write what i know to be truth
that the “haves” have won and the “have-nots” have not

I find that nowadays when i’m writing a poem that it comes to me in pieces. This piece has no title and is unfinished, yet i know that more will come. Writing IS my salvation; it’s how my mind comes to rest and my heart begins to heal. I thank God for the priviledge of writing.


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