suspended animation

i have, of necessity, asked God for his perfect will in my life and i have asked him to perfect his purpose for my life. it is the greatest chance i take because he might take away my zeal and my love for poetry, writing, and any and all associated with this love.

ironically, almost as soon as i started thinking about praying this prayer, i stopped blogging. it is as if subconsciously i have decided that i cannot do this any more. of course, i maintain my hand-written journal, which may constitute the only writing i do. a cousin pointed out that i have years and years of journals that tell a story of where i’ve come from and how i got to this place.  but it may be that these journals are simply linguistic circles, chronicles of infinities that go everywhere and nowhere at the same time. chronicles of a journey through a wilderness for 40 years having learned nothing.

Questions: If after wandering in your own personal, God-imposed wilderness for 40 years, do you have to keep wandering indefinitely if you havent learned the lesson? Is it “time served for good behavior”, or is God content with your stupidity?

Do people die in their wilderness???

i’m risking loosing the only thing that makes me feel like a human being. pride is tied to this; sense of self is tied to this; success or failure rides on this.

so needless to say, i’m very very scared right now. if i don’t have writing, what do i have?

i haven’t written any more poetry this month, i haven’t been to any spoken word events, and i have only read a few pages of Beloved by Toni Morrison. This sets me w-a-y back in my reading this year, being unable to finish this book.

i am really scared that i won’t come back or won’t be able to find my way back, but i trust in God’s love for me and try not to think about the negatives. i will continue my Tuesday/Thursday rituals as long as it is reasonable, but if God shuts that down too, i will quit writing.

so much for perseverance. stand by

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