remembering to live life loved

Here’s what happened yesterday. Deb and I went to Lexington, Kentucky to attend a storytelling/poetry event. we had a great time but on the way back i had one of my anxiety attacks. i noticed that the gas tank was getting low. Deborah was driving and she didn’t stop at the gas station I thought she should have. i began to get really nervous and the panic took over.

i felt my body tense up in the passenger seat. i had to do something quick or i would blurt out something that would make her mad or insult her intelligence. i knew that she knew we were almost out and because of how guarded i am it seemed that the only solution was to stop for gas while we still had plenty in the tank. but Deb was thinking about a different plan, although well aware that we would have to stop soon.

so it became of a game of “do you trust me?”  i relaxed and God gave me a means of escape, as he always promises to do. i began to make a huge list of rhyming words, words that i may need to use later.

by panicking, i was giving life to one of many fears/lies i imagine about road travel: i see myself stuck by the side of the road with cars whizzing by and nobody stops to help me for hours and hours. finally an off-duty state trooper stops to see what’s going on and after a few questions, he reveals that he is off-duty and wouldn’t be able to do anything for me until the next morning. then he leaves and i remain stranded until out of nowhere the next morning a tow truck appears. by then i’m crazy for water and food and all the tow truck driver can think about is getting the $59 it will cost me to be towed back to town. I’m held hostage for a $59 ransom. then i wake up, and promise myself  i will never let the car go to “E” again.

When i put it this way, it does seem crazy.

What’s wrong with this dream? God is not in it. because God has never, ever let this happen to me whenever i have traveled. no vehicle that I’ve ever been in has run out of gas and if i could just learn to trust Him, I would know that no vehicle i will ever be in will run out of gas. He loves me and he will never let anything disastrous like that happen to me. He is not a God of punishment and consequences, He is a God of LOVE.

i must believe that. my life from this point forward depends on my believing that.

so on this road trip, i learned that trust is learned and earned: learned in that you must trust people in your life and earned in that people in your life must trust you.

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